Ye Of Little Faith
I've never sat down and read through all of my blog entries at one time. I imagine if I did, the theme would be something along the lines of, "Here's what Teresa did. Don't be like Teresa." Or, "Here's what Teresa did. But God..."
At least, that's how it feels.
I've never been one to hide my feelings or emotions very well. I can promise you that if I'm sad, I look sad. If I am full of happiness, my smile is contagious. I can't play poker. I imagine that if I was an actor I would be along the lines of Heath Ledger where I encompass every part of my character or I just wouldn't be able to do it. I struggle with slapping a smile on my face when I am not actually happy.
This isn't to say I don't know how. In fact, I have leftover issues from doing it all through my teen years but that's a totally different story and not at all relevant to what happened this morning. Or better yet, what has been happening the last year and a half.
Another strange thing I tend to do is take on blame. If things aren't going quite right, what have I done to cause it? If people are upset with me, what did I do or say? I struggle through logically knowing that sometimes other people might be wrong and they are to blame for whatever, but I still tend to take the fault for whatever has happened fully upon my shoulders and try to make things right. As quickly as possible.
Sometimes, things aren't fixed quickly.
And sometimes, there's no blame to be found.
God has been toughening up Curt and I during this last and present season of our lives. Curt tends to wear his heart on his sleeve and it completely eats him up when someone is upset with him or he feels as if someone doesn't like him. It eats at him. For the record, this does not mix well with pastoring, because he also has a very strong desire to be obedient to whatever it is God has called Him to do and to further God's Kingdom. If God has impressed upon him that His people need to pray more then he is going to lead God's people towards that and he'll do it full on. In case you're wondering, most churches do not like change so there will always be people that are upset with change and therefore the person that brought the change.
Keep in mind Curt's desire to be liked and you can see where this doesn't go together very well. Even if only one person is disgruntled, Curt is eaten up by it. Now, he isn't going to veer from whatever course he feels God has led him which is why internal conflict occurs.
I give this background to reinforce why we both need some toughening up. We both worry too much about what other people think and we were becoming completely broken over the opinions of two or three people.
Fast forward to present time. We are living, breathing cases of having others disgruntled with us. I have family members that won't look us in the eyes or will barely speak a civil word. People I have known and admired my entire life have turned their backs and I have been completely blocked or unfriended on Facebook by others.
It hurts.
Here's our current situation: We live in my parent's basement because my husband resigned his position to hike the Appalachian Trail. Neither of us have a job. We look like the most irresponsible people on the planet.
All because God "told" us to.
There are lots of circumstances that have occurred to bring us to where we are, a year and a half after God called Curt to hike the trail, but the bottom line is that God hasn't released us yet.
Neither of us are content with where we are. We are so very thankful and grateful to my parents for allowing us to live here, but who wants to move back home for any length of time? I've lived on my own since I was 21 years old, that's over 23 years away from my folks. And on the flip side, what empty nester wants to have 6 people suddenly intruding upon their "we can do whatever we want, whenever we want" lifestyle?
It's not exactly a dream life, contrary to what one may think. But I have to say this, never once have my folks complained. There have been massive adjustments made, on both sides, and they have been the epitome of graciousness. They see our struggle. They deal with others whispering behind our backs and they have been nothing but supportive through this entire transition.
Is it easy? No. But They have been incredible.
Why do I bring all of this up?
Because I'm not ok with where we are. I have had bouts of absolutely hating that I am living in my parent's basement. Not annoyance, not unsettled, hate. I feel useless, worthless, and the laughing stock of everyone around me.
And I do not see an end in sight.
We have both sought employment. God has slammed the door shut on every opportunity. We've searched out other ministry opportunities and those weren't the right direction either. We pray and pray and pray and pray for direction and the answer is the same every time.
Wait.
Any idea how tough it is for an American couple in the middle of their life to wait? We cry out...
God, don't you know we have a child in college?!
And He provided her an amazing scholarship to continue on in school.
But God, my parents don't want us to live here forever, they are going to get tired of us.
And within hours both parents came up to us separately and told us to take as much time as we needed; that being here was a blessing to them.
But God, I have to do SOMETHING. I'm not pouring into a single person I know.
And God gave me women in the hiking community to talk with, pray for, and mentor.
But God, we don't have a church.
Yeah... that one is still unanswered, BUT He has allowed us to travel our local area and encourage many of our pastor friends and when we are able to make the drive, a group of beautiful believers in Virden, IL to worship with.
But God, why are we still here? Please, give us direction.
And there is silence. Over and over God has revealed to us that we are to wait.
And during the wait, we are learning to ignore what others think or feel about what God has placed on our hearts. We are healing from the wounds inflicted by worrying over what others think above what God thinks. And we are growing. In particular, my faith grows stronger as God reveals how very weak my faith actually is.
The cool thing about God is, He is never actually silent. His word speaks constantly.
This was all background information to bring you up to date on where we are emotionally, physically, and spiritually. Floundering is how I would describe it. Well, that's how I would have described it until this morning. We are actually a lot like Little John in Kevin Costner's version of Robin Hood. We are in the stream, kicking and screaming that we are going to drown because we can't swim and all the while God has us by the shirt as He calmly tells us to put our feet down. We aren't drowning at all; we're safe in His hands.
Every single time I begin to doubt Curt's calling to the trail, God shuts down that doubt immediately. It might be with scripture, but it has been though interactions with people most often. Sometimes it has been through bumping into them somewhere and getting to talk. Misunderstandings have been cleared up and both parties walk away knowing they are loved by the other. But most often God has spoken through our obedience. We will receive a phone call, text, email, or personal visit from someone that has been moved to their own obedience because of our step of faith. Each of these occasions have always occurred during a season that we begin to question if we got it right. Every single time.
My current season of doubt began yesterday morning. I'm again wavering (I feel like the Israelites... "The Israelites did what was right in their own eyes..." <sigh>) and thinking how ridiculous it is that we are still in Henry, IL in my parent's basement. I have a college degree for crying out loud. My husband is an ordained minister. WHAT ARE WE DOING HERE?????
I'm antsy so I scream out to God. Mentally, I can't get past the massive amount of respect that I feel has been lost. I mean, we were obedient. We did what He called us to do!!! WHY ARE WE STILL HERE????
And there is silence. So, I begin to talk to Curt about possibilities. Places we can move and create a life. Jobs I can get to make whatever we are doing work, because everything we have done so far has been shut down quickly. Everything. Like, the words are barely in our brains and BOOM, door in the face.
So, last night we talk about what to do and where and I begin to research. I am crying, praying, and doubting everything. And that tiny flicker of doubt that no one really talks about crept in. I asked God if He was even really there at all. I asked if my entire life was built upon a myth. I tried to shove that thought out as quickly as I could because I know better, but it was there.
And this morning He answered me.
I do not believe in coincidences. I believe God. Period.
My current devotion is about loving like you've never been hurt. This morning's devotion was about not giving up on God. God fixes us. He heals us. He takes His creation that He knows better than anyone else and makes us right, if we will only let Him. We have to stop fighting Him first. He created each one of us for a purpose and He wants us to live for that purpose. We just have to trust Him.
Bullet between the eyes for me. How many times have I decided that being where God has placed us for right now is the wrong place to be? And all because I worry about what other people think? How many more times will I declare that enough is enough and we are going to live somewhere and do something, even if it is wrong?
Why can't I get away from worrying about what other people think??? Why can't I be content with where God has us? Why do I keep doubting what I know to be true? Why am I so weak and my faith so small?
These are the cries and pleadings of my heart as I pray this morning. My devotion screamed out at me.
"Trust Him. Love Him like you've never been hurt. Whatever you are going through, whatever has happened, whatever loss or pain you feel in your heart, this is no time to quit." ~Jentezen Franklin
And immediately I am encouraged. I feel a lightness in my heart as I settle down remembering Who it is I belong to and Who I serve.
Then... God pounded my doubt with Curt's calling to the trail.
The scripture used for the devotion doesn't really seem to belong, but I know it is there for me.
The scripture is Isaiah 42:16.
"I will lead the blind by a way they did not know; I will guide them on paths they have not known. I will turn darkness to light in front of them and rough places into level ground. This is what I will do for them and I will not forsake them."
This is the scripture that we turned to multiple times when we struggled through Curt hiking the trail. This is the scripture that God used to remind us that HE was doing the hiking for Curt.
This is the scripture that made it so very clear to us that when Curt couldn't see the trail, God was smoothing it out before him.
How can a man as blind as Curt is see what he sees? Isaiah 42:16. God.
And just like that God reminded me of our current calling. To be patient. To wait. To heal. To enjoy. To live. To trust.
I've re read this blog post several times and I know it isn't written super smoothly, but my emotions are so raw and I'm so grateful for how good my God is. With all of my back and forth and doubting... With all the times I have told God His opinion doesn't really matter at the moment... Every time I swing back towards pain over our current circumstances instead of gratitude and thanksgiving.... For how completely undeserving I am, God is so good, generous, faithful, and loving.
One day I hope to be just like Him.
At least, that's how it feels.
I've never been one to hide my feelings or emotions very well. I can promise you that if I'm sad, I look sad. If I am full of happiness, my smile is contagious. I can't play poker. I imagine that if I was an actor I would be along the lines of Heath Ledger where I encompass every part of my character or I just wouldn't be able to do it. I struggle with slapping a smile on my face when I am not actually happy.
This isn't to say I don't know how. In fact, I have leftover issues from doing it all through my teen years but that's a totally different story and not at all relevant to what happened this morning. Or better yet, what has been happening the last year and a half.
Another strange thing I tend to do is take on blame. If things aren't going quite right, what have I done to cause it? If people are upset with me, what did I do or say? I struggle through logically knowing that sometimes other people might be wrong and they are to blame for whatever, but I still tend to take the fault for whatever has happened fully upon my shoulders and try to make things right. As quickly as possible.
Sometimes, things aren't fixed quickly.
And sometimes, there's no blame to be found.
God has been toughening up Curt and I during this last and present season of our lives. Curt tends to wear his heart on his sleeve and it completely eats him up when someone is upset with him or he feels as if someone doesn't like him. It eats at him. For the record, this does not mix well with pastoring, because he also has a very strong desire to be obedient to whatever it is God has called Him to do and to further God's Kingdom. If God has impressed upon him that His people need to pray more then he is going to lead God's people towards that and he'll do it full on. In case you're wondering, most churches do not like change so there will always be people that are upset with change and therefore the person that brought the change.
Keep in mind Curt's desire to be liked and you can see where this doesn't go together very well. Even if only one person is disgruntled, Curt is eaten up by it. Now, he isn't going to veer from whatever course he feels God has led him which is why internal conflict occurs.
I give this background to reinforce why we both need some toughening up. We both worry too much about what other people think and we were becoming completely broken over the opinions of two or three people.
Fast forward to present time. We are living, breathing cases of having others disgruntled with us. I have family members that won't look us in the eyes or will barely speak a civil word. People I have known and admired my entire life have turned their backs and I have been completely blocked or unfriended on Facebook by others.
It hurts.
Here's our current situation: We live in my parent's basement because my husband resigned his position to hike the Appalachian Trail. Neither of us have a job. We look like the most irresponsible people on the planet.
All because God "told" us to.
There are lots of circumstances that have occurred to bring us to where we are, a year and a half after God called Curt to hike the trail, but the bottom line is that God hasn't released us yet.
Neither of us are content with where we are. We are so very thankful and grateful to my parents for allowing us to live here, but who wants to move back home for any length of time? I've lived on my own since I was 21 years old, that's over 23 years away from my folks. And on the flip side, what empty nester wants to have 6 people suddenly intruding upon their "we can do whatever we want, whenever we want" lifestyle?
It's not exactly a dream life, contrary to what one may think. But I have to say this, never once have my folks complained. There have been massive adjustments made, on both sides, and they have been the epitome of graciousness. They see our struggle. They deal with others whispering behind our backs and they have been nothing but supportive through this entire transition.
Is it easy? No. But They have been incredible.
Why do I bring all of this up?
Because I'm not ok with where we are. I have had bouts of absolutely hating that I am living in my parent's basement. Not annoyance, not unsettled, hate. I feel useless, worthless, and the laughing stock of everyone around me.
And I do not see an end in sight.
We have both sought employment. God has slammed the door shut on every opportunity. We've searched out other ministry opportunities and those weren't the right direction either. We pray and pray and pray and pray for direction and the answer is the same every time.
Wait.
Any idea how tough it is for an American couple in the middle of their life to wait? We cry out...
God, don't you know we have a child in college?!
And He provided her an amazing scholarship to continue on in school.
But God, my parents don't want us to live here forever, they are going to get tired of us.
And within hours both parents came up to us separately and told us to take as much time as we needed; that being here was a blessing to them.
But God, I have to do SOMETHING. I'm not pouring into a single person I know.
And God gave me women in the hiking community to talk with, pray for, and mentor.
But God, we don't have a church.
Yeah... that one is still unanswered, BUT He has allowed us to travel our local area and encourage many of our pastor friends and when we are able to make the drive, a group of beautiful believers in Virden, IL to worship with.
But God, why are we still here? Please, give us direction.
And there is silence. Over and over God has revealed to us that we are to wait.
And during the wait, we are learning to ignore what others think or feel about what God has placed on our hearts. We are healing from the wounds inflicted by worrying over what others think above what God thinks. And we are growing. In particular, my faith grows stronger as God reveals how very weak my faith actually is.
The cool thing about God is, He is never actually silent. His word speaks constantly.
This was all background information to bring you up to date on where we are emotionally, physically, and spiritually. Floundering is how I would describe it. Well, that's how I would have described it until this morning. We are actually a lot like Little John in Kevin Costner's version of Robin Hood. We are in the stream, kicking and screaming that we are going to drown because we can't swim and all the while God has us by the shirt as He calmly tells us to put our feet down. We aren't drowning at all; we're safe in His hands.
Every single time I begin to doubt Curt's calling to the trail, God shuts down that doubt immediately. It might be with scripture, but it has been though interactions with people most often. Sometimes it has been through bumping into them somewhere and getting to talk. Misunderstandings have been cleared up and both parties walk away knowing they are loved by the other. But most often God has spoken through our obedience. We will receive a phone call, text, email, or personal visit from someone that has been moved to their own obedience because of our step of faith. Each of these occasions have always occurred during a season that we begin to question if we got it right. Every single time.
My current season of doubt began yesterday morning. I'm again wavering (I feel like the Israelites... "The Israelites did what was right in their own eyes..." <sigh>) and thinking how ridiculous it is that we are still in Henry, IL in my parent's basement. I have a college degree for crying out loud. My husband is an ordained minister. WHAT ARE WE DOING HERE?????
I'm antsy so I scream out to God. Mentally, I can't get past the massive amount of respect that I feel has been lost. I mean, we were obedient. We did what He called us to do!!! WHY ARE WE STILL HERE????
And there is silence. So, I begin to talk to Curt about possibilities. Places we can move and create a life. Jobs I can get to make whatever we are doing work, because everything we have done so far has been shut down quickly. Everything. Like, the words are barely in our brains and BOOM, door in the face.
So, last night we talk about what to do and where and I begin to research. I am crying, praying, and doubting everything. And that tiny flicker of doubt that no one really talks about crept in. I asked God if He was even really there at all. I asked if my entire life was built upon a myth. I tried to shove that thought out as quickly as I could because I know better, but it was there.
And this morning He answered me.
I do not believe in coincidences. I believe God. Period.
My current devotion is about loving like you've never been hurt. This morning's devotion was about not giving up on God. God fixes us. He heals us. He takes His creation that He knows better than anyone else and makes us right, if we will only let Him. We have to stop fighting Him first. He created each one of us for a purpose and He wants us to live for that purpose. We just have to trust Him.
Bullet between the eyes for me. How many times have I decided that being where God has placed us for right now is the wrong place to be? And all because I worry about what other people think? How many more times will I declare that enough is enough and we are going to live somewhere and do something, even if it is wrong?
Why can't I get away from worrying about what other people think??? Why can't I be content with where God has us? Why do I keep doubting what I know to be true? Why am I so weak and my faith so small?
These are the cries and pleadings of my heart as I pray this morning. My devotion screamed out at me.
"Trust Him. Love Him like you've never been hurt. Whatever you are going through, whatever has happened, whatever loss or pain you feel in your heart, this is no time to quit." ~Jentezen Franklin
And immediately I am encouraged. I feel a lightness in my heart as I settle down remembering Who it is I belong to and Who I serve.
Then... God pounded my doubt with Curt's calling to the trail.
The scripture used for the devotion doesn't really seem to belong, but I know it is there for me.
The scripture is Isaiah 42:16.
"I will lead the blind by a way they did not know; I will guide them on paths they have not known. I will turn darkness to light in front of them and rough places into level ground. This is what I will do for them and I will not forsake them."
This is the scripture that we turned to multiple times when we struggled through Curt hiking the trail. This is the scripture that God used to remind us that HE was doing the hiking for Curt.
This is the scripture that made it so very clear to us that when Curt couldn't see the trail, God was smoothing it out before him.
How can a man as blind as Curt is see what he sees? Isaiah 42:16. God.
And just like that God reminded me of our current calling. To be patient. To wait. To heal. To enjoy. To live. To trust.
I've re read this blog post several times and I know it isn't written super smoothly, but my emotions are so raw and I'm so grateful for how good my God is. With all of my back and forth and doubting... With all the times I have told God His opinion doesn't really matter at the moment... Every time I swing back towards pain over our current circumstances instead of gratitude and thanksgiving.... For how completely undeserving I am, God is so good, generous, faithful, and loving.
One day I hope to be just like Him.
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