A Summer of Lessons
I have to be very careful as I write this blog post. I want to give words of encouragement for many of our friends that are going through difficult times while holding fast to Psalm 19:14. It's a balancing act, especially since some of the lessons we have learned are still fresh events.
As I ponder this past summer I do so with fresh wounds and scars, but immense growth. We don't become stronger without resistance and we have seen our fair share of growth recently. I wait with anticipation and longing for what God has planned and will use us to do. In the meantime, I have to keep myself in check and not guess or insert my own thoughts, doing so has gotten us in trouble in the past, but that's a lesson learned I'll discuss in just a moment....
And so, without any further delay, I give you the lessons I (possibly we) have learned this summer.
1) Do not live your life based on what others think you should be doing. This has nothing to do with God's call on our life. I'll address that later. This is the every day things we do or don't do based on what someone may or may not say about us behind our backs. I have a news flash for everyone. The people that you're worried about are going to talk about you anyway, so at least be doing something you want to be doing. Curt is a fabulous example of this. There were a couple people in our life that he was constantly trying to please. He would or wouldn't do things completely based upon whether or not they would like it or not. Guess what? Almost every single decision he made was upsetting to them and they never liked anything he did or didn't do. He couldn't win. The day he freed himself of worrying about their opinion was a day to celebrate. Do we still love them? Absolutely. Does he spend time and energy worrying about what they will think about his choices? Sometimes, but he is learning to stop that thought process. It's slow, but he's learning.
2) Gossip, lies, and assumptions will ruin a person's life quicker than any actual action the person has done. Here is where I want to be very, very careful. I hold no ill will, nor animosity towards those involved in this little lesson I learned over the summer. However, I learned the hard way that when a person has a perceived hurt, they want and will believe some of the most horrendous things about another person. There were things that were said about Curt and I amongst a circle of what we thought were friends, that had absolutely zero base of truth, fact, or evidence to support it. I stumbled upon this issue quite by accident and originally thought it was a tiny flame of an issue that could easily be fixed. Never have I been so wrong. It took weeks to sort out as I became aware of the LAYERS of gossip and assumptions that had been spread as truth. All of it could have been completely avoided with one phone call to either Curt or I. Instead, there was a feeding frenzy of mob mentality that had worked itself up to the point that there are some among our acquaintance that will never believe the simple truth. Curt and I are devastated and we are broken over this. Had just one person that heard what was being spread, stopped and said, "Wait, this doesn't sound like them." or "Wait, has anyone spoken to Curt or Teresa." or "Wait, before things get out of hand, how about a couple of us go and talk to Teresa or call Curt" so much would have been avoided. Which brings me to my next lesson.
3) Just because you know yourself and what you will or won't do doesn't mean others know you. This one hurt because under no circumstances would we have ever done what we were accused of, even under torture. It went against everything we have ever taught, everything we believe, everything we know about God and Jesus Christ. Nothing about it lined up with who we are and yet, others that we love, trust, and have spent a lot of time with believed we would. That hurt.
4) Don't put other people on a pedestal. I've mentioned this on Facebook before, but it bears repeating. If a person has done something wrong and it is so devastating to our lives that we can hardly think about what has happened, let alone look that person in the eye or be in the same room with them, chances are we have put that person on a pedestal. And if they are up on that pedestal, chances are they never asked to be up there. We all falter, we all make mistakes, we all do stupid things, but if what someone else has done so alters our opinions or emotional state then we have made that person into a god. Yes, disappointment is natural, but not allowing for a person to make huge blunders is not. That's pedestal worship and you have to knock that pedestal down. Only God should be up there...and apparently the apostle Paul, but you'll have to read his letters to decide if he really meant it the way it sounds.
5) Forgive even if it is never asked for and even if a wrong is never admitted. You only hurt your own heart by not moving on in complete forgiveness and that is something each person has to work through on their own.
6) Sometimes you'll never know the "why." This has been the hardest lesson of all. I know everything above sounds rough, but this.... This is hard. We have had friends completely cut us from their life and we don't know why. We have been essentially banned from having contact with some of these people and we don't know why. Absolutely no clue. None. It hurts. It has ripped my heart out, but there is no reason given and we have to be ok with that. I have to admit, I'm still working on it.
7) Sometimes you'll never know the "what." Moving past the difficult lessons learned this summer brings me to some of the more thought provoking, growth involving lessons we learned. When God called Curt to go, we said ok. (not really that quickly, we stammered around for about 2 or 3 months, sought council from numerous friends and family, hee hawed with whether or not this was *really* what God was saying, and then when God smacked us with "I said to GO" we went) The problem was we wanted to fill in the "what" question. "What" was Curt going to do when he went? "Why" was God calling us to this? And we decided to fill in the answer to those two questions. BIG MISTAKE. Sometimes God says, "Go" and doesn't tell us why we are going or what we will be doing. See the story of Philip and Abram in scripture. Sometimes hindsight is the best answer to "what" and "why" and obedience is just to "Go."
8) God doesn't work on our timetable. I can't tell you the number of people that have started asking, "So, has God told you what's next?" Some are snarky, some are sincere, some are just genuinely concerned, but the questions have started. Curt is still a month away from summiting Mt. Katahdin and even longer from actually being home, but the questions are coming. No, we don't know what is next. What I do know is Curt's eyesight is getting worse. He cannot do the job of a pastor in the way a traditional church expects it to be done. However, God has given Curt an amazing ability to speak. He has given Curt a hungering love for HIM and for others to know His truth. God has also given Curt a love for the outdoors. Combining those passions would rock, but we don't know. I say all this to say, I know God has brought us to this point and I know He has a plan and purpose and what happens in the future will be on His schedule, not ours. Pray we are attentive, patient, and listening.
9) Children grow fast, make memories. We hear this all the time, but make memories. Good ones. I don't want our children to look back and resent the time I spent on the phone or computer. I want them to look back and remember taking the train into Washington DC. I want them to remember sleeping in AT shelters. I want them to remember playing in the waterfalls and jumping in the creeks and streams along the way. I don't want them to look back and say mom was too worried about what other people thought our summer should be to take us and do things outside of society's norms. Our kids may not see how cool this summer was right now, but eventually? Oh, yeah. They'll see it, know it, embrace it, and want to do the same with their children. (I hope)
10) Treasure your spouse. UGH. This one is multifaceted and will take quite a bit of explaining. I haven't even thought it all through and said this to Curt yet. He needs to stay emotionally unattached, but when this trip is done, I cannot wait to have this discussion. There have been times in my life that I have resented my husband. Not just an annoyance, but true resentment. Please, remember that I am human and have faults like everyone else. If you're looking for a reason to hate me or talk about me, here's your opportunity. I have, at times, resented Curt because of his eyesight, because of his Fibromyalgia, because of his call to ministry, and because of his OCD tendencies. I'm well aware that most of these are beyond his control, but they interrupt my desires, my wants, my life and I can work myself up to where I almost hate him for it.
And I am so ashamed. Being self centered is a terrible place to be.
I have not been a good wife. I have been difficult. I have been spiteful. I have been hard to live with, angry, bitter, undermining, hateful, and so very wrong.
But that's only one day. The rest of the year you'd never know how I behaved on that one day. But it's that one day that can destroy a relationship. It's that one day that can become the voice a person listens to over and over. It's that one day that can tear a man down and belittle him. It's that one day that can be the cause of divorce.
And don't sit over there reading this thinking that you haven't done it with your spouse. We all have. It might be a fleeting thought or it might be something we feast on daily, but we have all done it.
With Curt away this spring and summer I have had time to reflect. Who is this man that I have pledged to love until death? In what ways has he become a man from the boy I married? How have I changed from the girl he carried across the threshold? What keeps us together?
I learned many things in my pondering.
As I ponder this past summer I do so with fresh wounds and scars, but immense growth. We don't become stronger without resistance and we have seen our fair share of growth recently. I wait with anticipation and longing for what God has planned and will use us to do. In the meantime, I have to keep myself in check and not guess or insert my own thoughts, doing so has gotten us in trouble in the past, but that's a lesson learned I'll discuss in just a moment....
And so, without any further delay, I give you the lessons I (possibly we) have learned this summer.
1) Do not live your life based on what others think you should be doing. This has nothing to do with God's call on our life. I'll address that later. This is the every day things we do or don't do based on what someone may or may not say about us behind our backs. I have a news flash for everyone. The people that you're worried about are going to talk about you anyway, so at least be doing something you want to be doing. Curt is a fabulous example of this. There were a couple people in our life that he was constantly trying to please. He would or wouldn't do things completely based upon whether or not they would like it or not. Guess what? Almost every single decision he made was upsetting to them and they never liked anything he did or didn't do. He couldn't win. The day he freed himself of worrying about their opinion was a day to celebrate. Do we still love them? Absolutely. Does he spend time and energy worrying about what they will think about his choices? Sometimes, but he is learning to stop that thought process. It's slow, but he's learning.
2) Gossip, lies, and assumptions will ruin a person's life quicker than any actual action the person has done. Here is where I want to be very, very careful. I hold no ill will, nor animosity towards those involved in this little lesson I learned over the summer. However, I learned the hard way that when a person has a perceived hurt, they want and will believe some of the most horrendous things about another person. There were things that were said about Curt and I amongst a circle of what we thought were friends, that had absolutely zero base of truth, fact, or evidence to support it. I stumbled upon this issue quite by accident and originally thought it was a tiny flame of an issue that could easily be fixed. Never have I been so wrong. It took weeks to sort out as I became aware of the LAYERS of gossip and assumptions that had been spread as truth. All of it could have been completely avoided with one phone call to either Curt or I. Instead, there was a feeding frenzy of mob mentality that had worked itself up to the point that there are some among our acquaintance that will never believe the simple truth. Curt and I are devastated and we are broken over this. Had just one person that heard what was being spread, stopped and said, "Wait, this doesn't sound like them." or "Wait, has anyone spoken to Curt or Teresa." or "Wait, before things get out of hand, how about a couple of us go and talk to Teresa or call Curt" so much would have been avoided. Which brings me to my next lesson.
3) Just because you know yourself and what you will or won't do doesn't mean others know you. This one hurt because under no circumstances would we have ever done what we were accused of, even under torture. It went against everything we have ever taught, everything we believe, everything we know about God and Jesus Christ. Nothing about it lined up with who we are and yet, others that we love, trust, and have spent a lot of time with believed we would. That hurt.
4) Don't put other people on a pedestal. I've mentioned this on Facebook before, but it bears repeating. If a person has done something wrong and it is so devastating to our lives that we can hardly think about what has happened, let alone look that person in the eye or be in the same room with them, chances are we have put that person on a pedestal. And if they are up on that pedestal, chances are they never asked to be up there. We all falter, we all make mistakes, we all do stupid things, but if what someone else has done so alters our opinions or emotional state then we have made that person into a god. Yes, disappointment is natural, but not allowing for a person to make huge blunders is not. That's pedestal worship and you have to knock that pedestal down. Only God should be up there...and apparently the apostle Paul, but you'll have to read his letters to decide if he really meant it the way it sounds.
5) Forgive even if it is never asked for and even if a wrong is never admitted. You only hurt your own heart by not moving on in complete forgiveness and that is something each person has to work through on their own.
6) Sometimes you'll never know the "why." This has been the hardest lesson of all. I know everything above sounds rough, but this.... This is hard. We have had friends completely cut us from their life and we don't know why. We have been essentially banned from having contact with some of these people and we don't know why. Absolutely no clue. None. It hurts. It has ripped my heart out, but there is no reason given and we have to be ok with that. I have to admit, I'm still working on it.
7) Sometimes you'll never know the "what." Moving past the difficult lessons learned this summer brings me to some of the more thought provoking, growth involving lessons we learned. When God called Curt to go, we said ok. (not really that quickly, we stammered around for about 2 or 3 months, sought council from numerous friends and family, hee hawed with whether or not this was *really* what God was saying, and then when God smacked us with "I said to GO" we went) The problem was we wanted to fill in the "what" question. "What" was Curt going to do when he went? "Why" was God calling us to this? And we decided to fill in the answer to those two questions. BIG MISTAKE. Sometimes God says, "Go" and doesn't tell us why we are going or what we will be doing. See the story of Philip and Abram in scripture. Sometimes hindsight is the best answer to "what" and "why" and obedience is just to "Go."
8) God doesn't work on our timetable. I can't tell you the number of people that have started asking, "So, has God told you what's next?" Some are snarky, some are sincere, some are just genuinely concerned, but the questions have started. Curt is still a month away from summiting Mt. Katahdin and even longer from actually being home, but the questions are coming. No, we don't know what is next. What I do know is Curt's eyesight is getting worse. He cannot do the job of a pastor in the way a traditional church expects it to be done. However, God has given Curt an amazing ability to speak. He has given Curt a hungering love for HIM and for others to know His truth. God has also given Curt a love for the outdoors. Combining those passions would rock, but we don't know. I say all this to say, I know God has brought us to this point and I know He has a plan and purpose and what happens in the future will be on His schedule, not ours. Pray we are attentive, patient, and listening.
9) Children grow fast, make memories. We hear this all the time, but make memories. Good ones. I don't want our children to look back and resent the time I spent on the phone or computer. I want them to look back and remember taking the train into Washington DC. I want them to remember sleeping in AT shelters. I want them to remember playing in the waterfalls and jumping in the creeks and streams along the way. I don't want them to look back and say mom was too worried about what other people thought our summer should be to take us and do things outside of society's norms. Our kids may not see how cool this summer was right now, but eventually? Oh, yeah. They'll see it, know it, embrace it, and want to do the same with their children. (I hope)
10) Treasure your spouse. UGH. This one is multifaceted and will take quite a bit of explaining. I haven't even thought it all through and said this to Curt yet. He needs to stay emotionally unattached, but when this trip is done, I cannot wait to have this discussion. There have been times in my life that I have resented my husband. Not just an annoyance, but true resentment. Please, remember that I am human and have faults like everyone else. If you're looking for a reason to hate me or talk about me, here's your opportunity. I have, at times, resented Curt because of his eyesight, because of his Fibromyalgia, because of his call to ministry, and because of his OCD tendencies. I'm well aware that most of these are beyond his control, but they interrupt my desires, my wants, my life and I can work myself up to where I almost hate him for it.
And I am so ashamed. Being self centered is a terrible place to be.
I have not been a good wife. I have been difficult. I have been spiteful. I have been hard to live with, angry, bitter, undermining, hateful, and so very wrong.
But that's only one day. The rest of the year you'd never know how I behaved on that one day. But it's that one day that can destroy a relationship. It's that one day that can become the voice a person listens to over and over. It's that one day that can tear a man down and belittle him. It's that one day that can be the cause of divorce.
And don't sit over there reading this thinking that you haven't done it with your spouse. We all have. It might be a fleeting thought or it might be something we feast on daily, but we have all done it.
With Curt away this spring and summer I have had time to reflect. Who is this man that I have pledged to love until death? In what ways has he become a man from the boy I married? How have I changed from the girl he carried across the threshold? What keeps us together?
I learned many things in my pondering.
- My weaknesses are his strengths. His weaknesses tend to be my strengths. I need to rely upon him more than what I currently do.
- He is much more patient than I could ever dream of being.
- He has wisdom about people and situations that I need. When he is away I flounder.
- We are a better team than we could ever be as individuals
- Praying for him (and my own heart) is more effective than fostering an annoyance
- I need him. I just do.
- I can't be responsible for his reaction to people, events, or things. This is tough because that's my immediate response. I want to make things better, immediately. I don't like when people are upset and I want to fix whatever it is. I would truly do whatever it takes to make something right. BUT, I can't fix everything and he has to work that out for himself.
- He points me to Jesus. He isn't always correct in his way of going about things, but when he is wrong he admits it. He makes restitution and he moves on. He forgives and loves and wears his heart on his sleeve.
- I know I mentioned he is wise, but he also has a wealth of knowledge. If he has an interest then he researches it until he has a full grasp of pros, cons, options, best practices, and then he backs that up with experience, he goes and does it. He has more knowledge on such a wide variety of topics that it sometimes drives me to distraction, but also makes me proud. And not just knowledge, but experience. If you are at all interested in compound or traditional bows, ice fishing, fly fishing, rifles, shot guns, musket loaders, reloading ammunition, bass fishing, trout, car camping, backpacking, hiking, running, raising bird dogs, hunting with Jack Russell Terriers, trapping, putting on a magic show, juggling, yo-yos, hunting any type of animal, BBQ, or canoes, then he's your man. I'm sure I missed a couple hobbies, but a quick trip to our storage unit could easily jog my memory. The list is huge and he has a massive desire to share all that he has learned. So many times I blow him off when he is attempting to educate me. It's something I will really have to work on, but it brings him so much joy to be able to share what he has learned about any and all of these topics.
I've pondered on even more, but as I type my little people are moving around so it is time I begin a wrap up. This past summer a good friend lost her husband during what should have been a routine surgery. We are in our 40s. Old people lose their husbands, not us. it has been such a difficult thing to wrap our brain around, but it has reinforced for me the need to treasure what I have. I may not know what our future will be, but I will do it with Curt. Hand in hand, on our knees we will seek God's desire for us. For now, God has told us to be patient, and so I must be, but I will do so while living in the freedom of Grace given by the One who created me with the man I have chosen to do it with. That's a cool thing.
11) Not everyone will approve of the choices you make. This really needs no explanation.
12) I will move anywhere God calls me to go, especially with Curt by my side. This is something I thought I would do before, but it was a lie. God moved us to Carlinville and it was so hard being away from family. I desired friends and family, neither of which I got (yes, I had friends, but we all had our own lives to live so seeing people was difficult) and so I constantly was desiring something that wasn't there. I didn't live in the moment and because of that I missed out on a huge amount of blessings. God then moved us to Canton where I had friends and family but learned that getting what we want doesn't solve all of our problems. In fact, it can create new ones. Now? All I want is whatever God wants, wherever He wants us, with my husband leading the way. I want to be a helpmate for whatever God has planned. It might be in ministry, it might be secular, it might be outdoors, we have no idea, but I am learning to be content in whatever and wherever we may be.
13) God is God and I am not. Say this to yourself every hour until you believe it and understand the importance.
There's been more. Maybe one day I will type it all out in a blog post or maybe I will include it in my book, but for now, this is enough. I'm so thankful we can't go back and relive events. I'm thankful for the opportunity to learn and grow from them though. I'm thankful for faithful friends that love, pray, and walk beside us when we are wrong, when we have been hurt, and when we just need someone to talk to. I'm especially thankful for those friends that constantly point me to scripture, especially when my husband is unavailable to do so.
This summer will be one we will always remember. It will be one with good memories and better lessons learned. It's a summer of growth; a summer of learning. It's a summer of learning to rest in the arms of my savior and discovering what it truly means to walk by faith and not by sight.
Don't let anyone tell you it's easy.
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