On My Knees

The last 6 hours have been mentally exhausting.

There's a part of me that would like to leave it at that, but then you would miss out on the story and the lesson I learned. 

We have been letting Caleb sleep in bed with us the last few weeks because of the night terrors and nightmares he has been having. It has been easier for me to take care of him and it is reassuring for him to have mom and dad so close. In fact, the last week has been great. He is starting to act like his old self (happy, laughing, loving, kind) and sleeping through the night. It has been such a fantastic turn around that last night, Curt and I spent time in prayer praising God for this "recovery" and praying over Caleb for more "healing."

I got into bed knowing my children were all safe and where they needed to be, even if Emily was a world away in Uganda. I prayed she would get the sleep she needed to start her first full day in Africa and I fell asleep almost instantly, as I often do.

Caleb had other plans. He didn't sleep so very well. He talked in his sleep, flipped and flopped, tried walking out of the bed and was just plain restless. It was exhausting. All I wanted to do was sleep. I had moments of wanting to check my phone to see if Emily had sent any texts (they are 8 hours ahead) but was so tired that I shoved those feelings aside and went back to sleep.

I woke up at 7 to the sound my clock makes when my phone is receiving information and it is placed too closely to the clock. It is an annoying sound, but it was persistent. My phone is always in sleep mode at night, which means it receives the info, but the sound is shut off and right then, it was receiving a lot of info.

I picked up my phone and was shocked at how many texts I had.....from Emily, a world away. They started at 4 am and were still coming through. I also had a couple texts from her youth leader, who is also in Uganda.

The 4 am texts start with, "So, we're on the side of the road broken down" followed quickly by, "On the road again!"

10 minutes later there is one that says, "Spoke too soon." And 10 minutes later...they are on the road again. I have pictures from her youth leader, which I assume were taken at the hotel they stayed at the night before, and then a text that talks about the police stopping them twice and asking for prayer around 5 am.

The texts that made my clock go crazy are from Emily. "Bus problems again. Safer area this time." And then the one that got me nervous, "Ma? It's almost 7 there... Sherri's phone is dead and mine will die very quickly. We are still 2 hours away."

I can tell by this point Emily is scared and tired. I hurry to text back, hoping to beat her phone dying. She's able to get out that they are still stopped, she is a nervous wreck and short on sleep. I told her I would be praying and I had no response.

I had no response for over 5 hours.

I have no way of knowing if they fixed the bus. I have no way of knowing if the police have decided they are not a threat. I have no way of knowing what level of safety she has at any of these moments.

But what I do have is a God that has promised me that He loves her more than I ever could. 

I have a God that has promised to never leave me, nor forsake me.

I have a God that has promised that He will work all things for His good.

And I have the body of Christ.

I have already committed to fasting for Emily and this trip every breakfast until she is home safely so continuing was a no brainer. Hitting my knees in prayer? Wouldn't think of anything else. Putting a nice "Just asking for prayer" post on FB? Well, sure. Sending out texts to a few people that have committed to praying for this trip, Emily and I, absolutely. 

But then what?

I threw my "Hail Mary" pass...now what do I do?

Wait.

Pray again.

Wait.

Do the Dishes.

Wait.

And Wait

And Wait.

When Curt got up I immediately let him know what was happening. Curt was a little choked up and hurried out of the house a little quicker than normal. He spent some time in prayer here before he left, but I knew he would continue over in his office. I did everything I could to not worry my little people, but Gabe, of course, noticed that I was a little more stressed than normal. 

I played praise songs and prayed.

I got on my knees and sang, worshiped and prayed.

I answered texts from friends I had contacted and prayed.

I tried to go about life as usual while praying.

I checked my phone constantly for any word from Emily or Sherri and prayed.

I sent emails to people that might know if the group had arrived yet and prayed.

I drove myself crazy..........and prayed.

I haven't been able to run in many days so I decided to throw on my shorts and t-shirt and go for a quick run. Fasting and running aren't exactly friends so I knew I would have to go on a short run verses a long one that would clear my head completely. 

I turned my music on, started my timer and took off.

And that's when it happened.

"How Great Is Our God" was playing. I'm already an emotional wreck and this song of praise was going to help push me right off the cliff. I am just singing and talking to God, and pleading, "Please, let me know if she is ok or not. I know you are good. I know you are sovereign. I know that no matter what happens you will use her life to bring you glory because she is yours. I know this, God. I know it with all that I am. Please, please, let me know something...anything."

And you know what God did? He simply asked me, "Why don't you talk to me like this every morning? Why does it take an event like this to get you to spend this much time with me?"

And I instantly repented, because I knew He was Right and He is God. And He is Holy and Just and Loving and I am in desperate need of Him. And I have been pathetic in my walk when it comes to praying and spending time with Him.

I have been so wrong. I know it with all that I am. My repentance is true and real. My sorrow is deep and my regret painful. And my need for forgiveness, heavy. Forgiveness was given instantly. I could feel the weight lifted. The burden was gone.

These events took less than 2 seconds. Truly. I did not hear an audible voice from Heaven. Those that are believers will know what I mean when I say, God spoke to me. He speaks directly into my very being and I KNOW His voice.

2 seconds. That's all it was. He spoke, I repented and my phone went off.

I had a text from Emily.

God is Good. He is Good all the time.

And even if she hadn't been ok....God would still be good. Because He is God and I am not.

And to the lady that was driving past this mother that was crumpled up on the side of the road praising God and crying, I am sorry. And I hope you somehow hear this story, because I missed a chance to tell you how awesome my God is.