What purpose?
Today I feel like quitting. I feel defeated and depressed. These feelings aren't new to me, but a number of circumstances figure into this equation to make me want to just give it all up. From a friend that doesn't seem to want to talk with me any longer to a body that KNOWS it has been on this earth for 40 years, today is a day to give up.
For 10 months now I have been on a journey to get into better health. I began this journey at the largest amount of weight I have ever weighed. I began this journey at what should have been one of the highest points in my life. I began this journey knowing that if I didn't make a change, the baby I had just brought into the world would have children that would never know me. I began this journey in desperation.
I have had moments of triumph along the way and I have had moments of despair, but this morning I have had a moment of revelation.
Why am I doing this? Why am I torturing myself? I like eating whatever food I want and I dislike running. A lot.
I have found myself going to the scale at various moments through the day to weigh myself. At any given hour I can tell you what my weight is at that moment based on what I have been drinking or eating between weigh-ins. Don't get on your high horses and tell me that I shouldn't be doing that. I know it. I'm the queen of knowing what is good/bad with dieting/life style changes. If there has been a book written, I've read it. If there has been an article published, I have discovered it. I know better, but I can't help it.
Today I had a tough run. I have a friend that has graciously agreed to be my personal trainer/accountability partner. I love her for that and she gives me some tough things to do. It is especially hard at times because of my weight. Hauling around this body on my size 6 feet is hard work. But today was harder than normal. My heart is heavy because of the situation I mentioned in the first paragraph and I haven't been feeling the greatest. Today was just hard. I came home with my shoulders low and my head lower. Curt has been incredible in encouraging me each step of the way but even his playful "You are looking Hot, Baby" didn't help. (I was hot...sweat was pouring off of me-lol)
As I stepped into the shower I was smacked in the forehead with the new sin I have been committing. I have traded one sin (gluttony) for another sin (vanity). Why am I so focused on the weight lost or the inches that are gone? What does it matter how my jeans look or if that tight sweater fits better now? For what purpose am I doing this??
I started out on this journey knowing in the back of my mind that I wanted to be a better witness for Christ. Who wants to hear about how Christ has changed the life of a woman that is clearly obese and doesn't care about herself or her family enough to make a change? My heart was a problem. I was lazy and self centered. I traded lazy for active but the self centered has come back full circle.
As I stood in the shower I repented of that sin. I have handed back over to God the glory of what I am doing, for it is not my life that I live, but the life that He has given me and it is His for the making. I can not live in a self indulgent lifestyle that puts vanity above Christ. If I do the message of my life is worthless.
Don't get me wrong, I plan on running still. I will still step on the scale. I will still choose a salad over a quarter pound burger. BUT I will do it because this body was given to me by a creator that loves me and wants to use it for His glory.
Colossians 3:23 is my new motto- "Whatever you do, do it enthusiastically, as something done for the Lord and not for men,." Thank you Father for the opportunity to give you the glory.
Oh...and thank you also for the scale in my bathroom that after my shower showed I had reached my next "goal". I guess that run was worth it after all.
For 10 months now I have been on a journey to get into better health. I began this journey at the largest amount of weight I have ever weighed. I began this journey at what should have been one of the highest points in my life. I began this journey knowing that if I didn't make a change, the baby I had just brought into the world would have children that would never know me. I began this journey in desperation.
I have had moments of triumph along the way and I have had moments of despair, but this morning I have had a moment of revelation.
Why am I doing this? Why am I torturing myself? I like eating whatever food I want and I dislike running. A lot.
I have found myself going to the scale at various moments through the day to weigh myself. At any given hour I can tell you what my weight is at that moment based on what I have been drinking or eating between weigh-ins. Don't get on your high horses and tell me that I shouldn't be doing that. I know it. I'm the queen of knowing what is good/bad with dieting/life style changes. If there has been a book written, I've read it. If there has been an article published, I have discovered it. I know better, but I can't help it.
Today I had a tough run. I have a friend that has graciously agreed to be my personal trainer/accountability partner. I love her for that and she gives me some tough things to do. It is especially hard at times because of my weight. Hauling around this body on my size 6 feet is hard work. But today was harder than normal. My heart is heavy because of the situation I mentioned in the first paragraph and I haven't been feeling the greatest. Today was just hard. I came home with my shoulders low and my head lower. Curt has been incredible in encouraging me each step of the way but even his playful "You are looking Hot, Baby" didn't help. (I was hot...sweat was pouring off of me-lol)
As I stepped into the shower I was smacked in the forehead with the new sin I have been committing. I have traded one sin (gluttony) for another sin (vanity). Why am I so focused on the weight lost or the inches that are gone? What does it matter how my jeans look or if that tight sweater fits better now? For what purpose am I doing this??
I started out on this journey knowing in the back of my mind that I wanted to be a better witness for Christ. Who wants to hear about how Christ has changed the life of a woman that is clearly obese and doesn't care about herself or her family enough to make a change? My heart was a problem. I was lazy and self centered. I traded lazy for active but the self centered has come back full circle.
As I stood in the shower I repented of that sin. I have handed back over to God the glory of what I am doing, for it is not my life that I live, but the life that He has given me and it is His for the making. I can not live in a self indulgent lifestyle that puts vanity above Christ. If I do the message of my life is worthless.
Don't get me wrong, I plan on running still. I will still step on the scale. I will still choose a salad over a quarter pound burger. BUT I will do it because this body was given to me by a creator that loves me and wants to use it for His glory.
Colossians 3:23 is my new motto- "Whatever you do, do it enthusiastically, as something done for the Lord and not for men,." Thank you Father for the opportunity to give you the glory.
Oh...and thank you also for the scale in my bathroom that after my shower showed I had reached my next "goal". I guess that run was worth it after all.
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